9 years and counting

Nine years ago today, my oldest was born!.. I know, right? Where did that time go?! So much has happened over these past 9 years. All milestones that themselves are remarkable. It's not always been easy... ok it's rarely been easy. I mean, being a good parent is tough! There are so many choices to make that shape the life of each child. Tempers flare when maybe they shouldn't have. Schools are chosen that weren't the best fit. There are falls and scrapes; sick days and tantrums; laughing and playing; hugging and crying. And in each moment the person he continues to grow into teaches me about myself each day.

As a first born myself, I always felt like the Guinea Pig child. All things that didn't work for me, were changed for my sisters. I went through my childhood as the test child, so the lives of the younger ones could be better. And in some ways that was true, and is in fact true for my oldest. But what I'm realizing is that there have been plenty of victories that my wife and I can celebrate. not every decision we made for him has been a "mistake" or a learning moment. We've actually done a pretty darn good job! And.. if it makes him feel better, we continue to make mistake with his 4 younger siblings.

The most crazy part about today, is that in turning 9 he is now halfway done with his childhood. In 9 more years he'll be choosing a college, and getting ready to attempt his journey into being a grownup. These past 9 years have felt like they have flown by, so naturally the fear of the next 9 going just as fast is real. In fact, when my MiL brought that up with me last night, I jokingly yelled at her that she's not allowed to bring that kind of stuff up! I'm not ready to think about it!

So, for me and my wife.. it's time to buckle down. Time to make the next 9 years full of the best memories that will keep us all learning and growing together. Memories that we will share and have well after he does finally leave the nest. We have to make sure that each day is full of enough love for him to know, and for each of our kids to know, just how much we truly adore them.

So, wherever you are today, please say a happy birthday to my oldest. He is the most remarkable 9year old in the world.. a fact supported in that after just waking up, and announcing, "I'm officially a 9 year old," he went straight to cleaning the cat litter... on his birthday! Clearly, my wife and I have done something right. We are so lucky to have him, to learn from him, and to have his unending love. He makes us the best parents in the world!

I love you so much buddy.. so very much!

My son, his filling, OUR choices

A few weeks back, one of my twin three year olds needed to have a cavity filled. Not a great feeling as a parent having to take your kiddo in for a filling, but it needed to be done. The initial consultation with the Doc went as well as it could, with her recommending the "happy air" to help him through. My wife and I said that he wouldn't need it, but she insisted we at least have it ready. And by insisting, I mean she made it perfectly clear that there was no way in hell he wouldn't need it. All the while, we could hear screams & crying from a child somewhere else in the office... Unnerving? Yes..

My wife and I didn't feel the best about working with this particular dentist, but we decided to at least try it. If he wasn't happy and they were pushing the happy air, then we would just leave and try again another time or find a different dentist. You see, for us it isn't only about the worry of what the gas is doing to our kiddo, but more that if he isn't feeling safe enough to be there then it's not worth it. The filling could wait another day when he felt more in control of what was happening, and not being pushed by the timeline and agenda of someone else. We want all of our kids to recognize that they're comfort and the things happening in their lives are in their control. That the push of outside forces shouldn't dictate their immediate and final decisions.  

Now, this doesn't apply to basic deadline responsibilities like homework, chores, and commitments. Only real life decisions where at times we allow ourselves to take paths forced on us by others, because we feel worried about saying, "no."

We also know our son well enough that he can handle anything as long as mom or dad are there. That "happy air" wouldn't be needed if all of the people in the room were calm.

So the day of the filling came, and our boy put on his favorite Snow White dress and happily climbed into the car. When he and I arrived at the office we ended up having to wait for much longer than necessary with sounds of crying and some screaming filtering to the waiting room (a la LittleShopOfHorrors). Thankfully my boy and I just sat together reading books and making each other laugh. 

When the nurse brought us back, she immediately wanted to go over the plan to make sure they understood that my wife and I didn't want the "happy air. " And that if things got weird, he and I would go. 

All was set, the Dr. came in and talked him through each step. I stayed in his eyesight and held his hands through out, and without a whimper, a cry, or fidget our big three year old had his cavity filled. The dentist and the hygentist were so impressed with him. I used the "I told you so" line multiple times, because I like being right. But it t felt good knowing that my wife and I told them that he could handle it. We believed in our boy and put that confidence out there for him to have as well. And that confidence even found its way into the Dr. She was a different person after that, so much so, she gave me a gift to say thanks... It wasn't free dental work.. Sad face.. But the Starbucks gift card was nice! All because we believed in him, and confidently held our ground on what we knew was best for his comfort. 

So how do you feel about "happy air" during dentistry work?... For your kids that is. Please comment below. 

"Those" parenting moments

It's been a busy 4 weeks for my crew. Not only have we been adjusting to being a family of 7, we've battled strep throat, overflowing toilets, continuous never-ending  laundry, and a myriad of other appointments and mishaps. It's all enough to make a person's head spin.. and I know that mine does! It's so easy to get wrapped up in it all that I get to the point where I can explode over the littlest of things. My feelings become so fragile, its as if I'm competing with my newborn or even my 3 year olds on which of us has the least amount of emotional stability!

In those moments of breakdown, my attitude isn't about simply enjoying my family life, and the beauty of having us all together. Oh no.. my internal statements become very negative, and accusatory to my kids.. and spouse. You know those statement you say to yourself and don't mean, but in the moment you don't know any better. The exhaustion has truly taken over, and you become a troll-like version of your true self. It's not pretty, and everyone in the house is typically becoming just as fried as you, so then it becomes a raucous family of trolls trying to fight over any bit of self worth that can be found. It's something quite disgusting, but I'm sure, as a third party, very entertaining to watch!

When the troll-like behavior finally leaves, I feel terrible. How could I become "that" dad that loses his temper? How could I think, and sometime say those things? I never imagined that I would have those types of meltdowns or crazy parent moments. I know that these frustrations are typical of parents, but it doesn't make the aftermath feel any better.

It so happens that with these weeks of change in our family aligning with the start of the new year, I've been very focused on how to "fix" my controllable reactions. It hasn't been easy, but I've started generating a quick list of things that have been helping me stay away from being "that" dad:

1) Wear a positive attitude. I know after a long day of teaching I'm pretty spent, but I've accepted that the tired I feel has to stop at the door. I focus my drive home on pumping myself up for being home. I listen to my favorite music. I plan out a few fun things the crew can do together. But most of all, I make sure to feel excited to be home. This is the family I've always wanted and it needs to show. I want my attitude to be contagious... But in a good way! 

2) Get outside. After spending 10 winters living in Alaska, my kids can handle the Washington weather. I've been focusing on getting them outside each afternoon. Even if it's just to walk around the block, being outside grounds us all, and helps us clear our heads... and readjust our attitudes. 

3) Tap out! My wife and I have become great at tag teaming the stressful family moments, so if either of us sense  frustrations rising, we can send the other to a break to settle back down. The key here is to acknowledge the "tap out" and to go take the break. We all know that sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in the moment, and not walk away. But, it is in acknowledging the "tap out" that you become the better parent and partner. Also, it's super important that neither you or your parenting partner  keep track of who taps out who more. AND if you've just come back from a long day at work you do NOT get first tap out, especially if your partner has been home all day with the kids!

4) Work stays at work. I'm a high school teacher. Teachers are notorious for working at home after school hours. There are papers to grade, lessons to write, emails to send, and forms to fill. The stress of all that can pull me away from being daddy and send me straight into stressville. I've accepted that any work I have needs to be done at work or during my home hours when I'm not wearing my daddy/husband hat. Is it hard? Of course, but when I'm focused on my kids and not on work, I'm a much better and happier daddio.

5) Keep it healthy. As parents, we often neglect our own health or diet while we focus on the care of our kids. Knowing that, my wife and I have focused on making sure that we keep foods in the house that will benefit all of us. We've stayed away from high sugary drinks like juices and sodas. Snacks have become fruits, veggies, nuts, pretzels, and sesame sticks. And while we aren't members of a fancy gym, we do what we can to get exercise as often as possible. By keeping ourselves healthy, we have noticed that we feel better and in feeling better, it is easier to bring that positive contagious attitude each day.

I've found that by simply making myself aware of this list throughout the day has helped me avoid hitting the low points as often and as severely as in the past. I'm not perfect. No parent is perfect. But I know that by having this plan or focus each time I'm with my family, that I will always be the best dad and husband for them. And ultimately, that's my goal. I want to be the best dad and husband for them for as long as I can.

Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you have suggestions that help you through "those" parenting moments, please let me know in the comments below. Also, if you found this post helpful or informative, please feel free to share it and/or my site with your parenting allies!

Have a great day, because you can and should for your kids!

The Teacher-Dad

I'm Santa

"Daddy?"

"Yeah. What's up, buddy?"

"Santa's real, right?"

"Ugh...?"

.....

I'm a fan of Christmas. I always have been. I don't remember (spoiler alert!) when exactly I learned that Santa wasn't real. I'm sure it was middle elementary school (3rd or 4th grade), around the time when the older kids found humor in our confusion over condominiums and condoms... One of my friends unfortunately argued his family lived in... well.. easy mistake at that age. 

While I don't remember the when exactly, I know it wasn't until my middle to late teen years that I found peace with the meaning of Santa and the reality that Santa is something that lives in us all. 

It's bothered me that as parents we create this "lie" to our kids and insist that Santa exists as a real man dressed in red that delivers presents with flying reindeer and sleigh, even when our kids question the feasibility. We answer the questions with the easy "he's magic" answer, and hope that our kids just buy it until their classmates on the playground are teasing them for still believing. Not a comfortable conversation follows that scenario, and the kiddo might question everything you say from then on! (Over dramatic? Maybe.. OR maybe not! 😜)

So, this year I found myself facing more of these questions from my oldest. He's a super bright 3rd grader. His questions got the attention of his 6 year old sister, so now things were serious! I decided to approach their questions with two of my own.

The first question I posed was to ask them what they thought or believed. Instead of answering with "he's magic" and walking away or replying with "yup, he doesn't exist", I decided to use a teaching skill and have them reflect on what they believed. For a topic like Santa, this reflection gets them thinking with their hearts; the place, I believe, the true Santa can be found. 

The question that followed was to ask, "what if I'm (daddy is) Santa?" This really got their eyes popping! "ARE you Santa?" they would ask. To which I replied, "what does your heart tell you?" Again, I wanted them to think about it and consider it. By at least placing the idea in their heads that I could be Santa, my hope is that they will be more comfortable transitioning to this reality. That and it's a great boost for me: "Daddy you can't be Santa! You're not old and fat!" ...sweet!! 😀

My goal in answering their questions with my own questions is to help them reflect on who Santa is to them. If my plan works, they will see that Santa is something that lives inside us all, and while there might not be a magical, jolly, fat man that lives in the North Pole, it doesn't mean that we all can't still make Christmas a magical day by embracing our inner Santas for the ones that we love. 

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, and I would love to hear some of your stories on how you've handled the "Is Santa real" question. 

My promises to my 5 kids

I started writing this while holding my newly born daughter in the hospital. The 5th kiddo created by the love my wife and I share. When I was a kid, I always knew that I would be a dad and a husband. In fact, these details were all that I was sure of. The boyhood dream of being a dad isn't what I thought it would be. It's not that it's harder; it's just there are certain parts that I expected to have been smoother. For example, as a kid I knew that I would be going to college and because of that I would never have to worry about money. (Cute kid thinking, huh!?)

So while I think back about those little dreams I had about what my life as a dad was going to be like, I see how my thoughts about fatherhood have changed. These changes are a list of promises that I have made to all 5 of my kids. I keep adding to theses promises, but for now here is my list. 

1) I promise to always love your mom. This is number 1 because without the love that your mom and I share, all of you don't exist. This love is where our family began, and I promise to not let it ever go away.

2) I promise to love each of you forever. This doesn't mean the same, because none of you are the same. You will each need me differently as you grow up, and I promise to love you so much that I will learn what that need is and fill it to the best of my ability. 

3) I promise to not be perfect. I'm realistic. I will make plenty of mistakes as your dad; just as you will make mistakes. I promise that I will show you what it means to own your mistakes and to learn from them to become a better version of yourself.

4) I promise to get you all the essentials for everyday living and an occasional item off the "want" list. It's important to know that you can't necessarily have everything just because you want it. I will help you learn how to work hard to collect more if not all of those "wants."

5) I promise that I'll tell you when you can't leave the house looking like that. And yes I'll mean it, and of course I'll accept your apology after you tell me that you hate me.

6) To my daughters, I promise that I'll think nobody is good enough for you,... But when he proves me wrong, I'll apologize. 

7) I promise to allow each of you to become yourselves. I'll give you the freedom to express who you are as long as you are respecting yourself along the way. Try things. Be safe, and know that while I may be disappointed, I will always and forever love you. 

8) I promise to show you how to greive, so that when the day comes when I have to say goodbye, you all will be able to take care of each other knowing that my love for you all didn't leave with me. 

I know that this list is missing something, or maybe it isn't. If you can think of a good addition or something that needs tweaking please leave a comment.

Have a great day, and be a great dad, because you can!

Dealing with my own kids' stress - Teacher-Dad grade C-

Anticipation and anxiety are killers for kids, and parents. Kids can't hold onto calm when they know something is going to be happening, or is coming to them either positively or negatively. This month has been full of anticipation and anxiety for my kids from planning our flight to Auntie's wedding, to Thanksgiving, and finally to the arrival of a new baby.. and Grandma & Grandpa next month, my kids have been exhausted from the amount of energy they are releasing in anticipating and stressing about all of these things.

The hard part for this teacher-dad is that it doesn't end there for my kiddos. If that were all that they could be "worrying" about, then I think my wife and I would be managing better. But, when you tack on the rest of the day-to-day living "anticipations" or "anxieties" like school work, gymnastics class, late start Wednesdays, snow days, eye doctor appointments, an uncomfortable prego mama, and losing a 1st tooth, it can be too overwhelming for the kiddos. And, I hate to admit this, but when all of that is going on, it's all too easy for me to get wrapped up in the whirlwind of crazy and forget to look at my kids as well.. kids.

I seem to be able to look at my students as kids with anxieties and outside pressures better than I do my own kids. This is a fact that I'm grappling with, and I think I've realized what it boils down to. In the classroom, I have a set of fall backs or tricks I can use when I can see a student struggling in my class because of outside influences. My options are my own in the classroom, and I work to make things as fair as I can without handing out grades that are unearned, or foregoing assignments. It is easy for me to say, "just turn it in tomorrow" or "why don't we just wait on taking this test for now" or "let's take more time to complete this in class tomorrow" because I know that those are realistic and helpful options in those situations. I also have the foresight to know this, because I'm not wrapped up in whatever chaos may be swirling in that student's life. I can see that whatever they are going through is more important than my math class, and accommodate my class to help them deal with that drama.

However, when it's my own kids, in my own house, there is often no time to step back and see the bigger picture. I'm in the heat of the battle.. sometimes quite literally, and I can't step back and remember ALL of the crazy that is swirling through the everyday happenings of my own kids. So, while I see 3 of 4 kids screaming in JC Penny (sorry about that guys!), I needed to be able to step back and know that they were feeling the anxiety of a new shopping routine, and a snow day as well as the anticipation of getting a "treat" for good behavior. All of it overwhelmed 3 of my 4, and I just couldn't see it. Instead, I was "that" dad. You know, the one with the "super frustrated, yell-whispering, opposite of calm look that speaks of a guy that never goes out with his kids in public" type dad.

Looking back, I see now that the three screamers needed more "prep" on what the trip was all about. It wasn't fair for us all to get into the van and drive through the snow to a store we barely go to and not tell them "the plan." They didn't know what to expect and that fact alone gives kids stress and anxiety. And because I was wrapped up in my own thoughts on getting us there safely, and in having a moment to talk with my wife, I didn't see the ways I could have helped. For example,  I spend a moment at the start of each class period explaining the topic of the day, AND I make sure to stick to a routine that my students get use to in order to build their comfort. Yet, in this moment I didn't do that for my own kids, and we paid for it... My ears are still ringing, btw.

In the end, reflection on a past situation always leads to the easy solution of what I should have done. But the truth is, I need to focus on delivering "the plan" much better with my own kids even in those moments of crazy. I need to help us by laying things out just like I do in my classroom so that I can ease the stress for my own children. So for now, I'm giving myself a C- in this category as a Teacher-Dad. Plenty of room to improve, but not the worst!

Adventurous Learning

Ok. It's time to get everyone up to speed on all the things going on for this Teacher-Dad! 

1) I interviewed for a new teaching position in late May. The interview was over Skype to a panel of 6 teachers and admin. Oh, and it included a lesson on the Law of Sines. 

2) I was offered the job in early June. Apparently, I rock Skype interviews! :)

3) The offer was just too good to pass up, so I accepted.

4) Announced our move with the exciting news that we are expecting our 5th kiddo (December due date)! 

5) At the end of July, my wife, father-in-law, & I drove our 4 kids and 2 cats in 2 vehicles 2400 miles from Fairbanks, Ak to Washington State.

6) We've been here just over 2 months and we're 5 weeks into the school year.

7) And mixed throughout all that my wife has kept her business going, and I've been working with a teacher-buddy on a new Podcast... So yeah

Wow... I have to admit that I've read over that a couple of times, and I'm overwhelmed by it all! How did this happen?! Why make a change? How did we know it would be ok?

The statement I hear the most when I tell our story is, "Wow, you guys must be adventurous!" This is followed by, "I could never do that," as the person then slowly walks away shaking his head and glancing back at us with a look mixed with confusion and envy. 

I have to admit the word "adventurous" has never been a word that anyone from my childhood could ever use to describe me. I was scared of my own shadow! I was frequently wrapped up in my own self doubt. It's hard to take chances and be adventurous when you don't believe in your ability to accomplish things. 

I see this fear or lack of self confidence a lot in my math classroom. I hear that phrase, "I could never do that" or a variation of it all the time. But it makes sense. Here we are as teachers asking kids to be adventurous and step out of comfort zones to learn new things each day. We are asking them to trust us and take chances to make them smarter and stronger. Some naturally walk into a room with self-confidence, but many don't. So how do we help students open up and be adventurous?

I've thought a lot about this over the last several months, as I've looked around at the changes my wife and I decided to make for our family. I've watched what my kiddos have gone through adjusting to a new life and new surroundings. It hasn't been easy. Stress levels have been pushed. But we knew they would. 

The truth is, I could never have done any of this without my wife. Throughout this entire process I've been able to collaborate with the person I trust more in life than anyone. We've problem solved, critically thought, and planned all of this together. We trust the intelligence of one another, and use that trust to take well thought out and agreed on chances.

It's that part right there that matters the most and translates right into the classroom and to parenting. How can we as teachers and parents create that collaborative trust between our kiddos and between our kiddos & ourselves in order to help them have the comfort of taking learning chances? The answer is in the relationships. It is in how welcoming we are as teachers. How open are you with your kiddos? Do they trust you won't let then down or let them fall? Can they see you taking your own chances and at times missing the mark? How do you respond in those moments? 

The best teachers let the kids get comfortable. They manage the room with mutual respect and not as a dictator. Each kid has a voice and is encouraged & supported to us it. We create a blanket of comfort that the kids wrap themselves in and use to take learning chances. They ask questions, get correct answers, and start believing that they too can take chances. So when they do hit a hurdle, they don't use it to define themselves in the class, but instead use it to learn and grow. They can use that fall as a time to collaborate with trusted peers to reflect for learning and not as a tool for added self-doubt. 

Our victories as teachers and as parents are directly linked to those trusting relationships and the comfort our kiddos have in taking adventurous learning chances. I'm proud that I've modeled that in my life, and can now focus on continuing to work toward making my home as well as my classroom a trusted place for adventurous learning.