Dealing with my own kids' stress - Teacher-Dad grade C-

Anticipation and anxiety are killers for kids, and parents. Kids can't hold onto calm when they know something is going to be happening, or is coming to them either positively or negatively. This month has been full of anticipation and anxiety for my kids from planning our flight to Auntie's wedding, to Thanksgiving, and finally to the arrival of a new baby.. and Grandma & Grandpa next month, my kids have been exhausted from the amount of energy they are releasing in anticipating and stressing about all of these things.

The hard part for this teacher-dad is that it doesn't end there for my kiddos. If that were all that they could be "worrying" about, then I think my wife and I would be managing better. But, when you tack on the rest of the day-to-day living "anticipations" or "anxieties" like school work, gymnastics class, late start Wednesdays, snow days, eye doctor appointments, an uncomfortable prego mama, and losing a 1st tooth, it can be too overwhelming for the kiddos. And, I hate to admit this, but when all of that is going on, it's all too easy for me to get wrapped up in the whirlwind of crazy and forget to look at my kids as well.. kids.

I seem to be able to look at my students as kids with anxieties and outside pressures better than I do my own kids. This is a fact that I'm grappling with, and I think I've realized what it boils down to. In the classroom, I have a set of fall backs or tricks I can use when I can see a student struggling in my class because of outside influences. My options are my own in the classroom, and I work to make things as fair as I can without handing out grades that are unearned, or foregoing assignments. It is easy for me to say, "just turn it in tomorrow" or "why don't we just wait on taking this test for now" or "let's take more time to complete this in class tomorrow" because I know that those are realistic and helpful options in those situations. I also have the foresight to know this, because I'm not wrapped up in whatever chaos may be swirling in that student's life. I can see that whatever they are going through is more important than my math class, and accommodate my class to help them deal with that drama.

However, when it's my own kids, in my own house, there is often no time to step back and see the bigger picture. I'm in the heat of the battle.. sometimes quite literally, and I can't step back and remember ALL of the crazy that is swirling through the everyday happenings of my own kids. So, while I see 3 of 4 kids screaming in JC Penny (sorry about that guys!), I needed to be able to step back and know that they were feeling the anxiety of a new shopping routine, and a snow day as well as the anticipation of getting a "treat" for good behavior. All of it overwhelmed 3 of my 4, and I just couldn't see it. Instead, I was "that" dad. You know, the one with the "super frustrated, yell-whispering, opposite of calm look that speaks of a guy that never goes out with his kids in public" type dad.

Looking back, I see now that the three screamers needed more "prep" on what the trip was all about. It wasn't fair for us all to get into the van and drive through the snow to a store we barely go to and not tell them "the plan." They didn't know what to expect and that fact alone gives kids stress and anxiety. And because I was wrapped up in my own thoughts on getting us there safely, and in having a moment to talk with my wife, I didn't see the ways I could have helped. For example,  I spend a moment at the start of each class period explaining the topic of the day, AND I make sure to stick to a routine that my students get use to in order to build their comfort. Yet, in this moment I didn't do that for my own kids, and we paid for it... My ears are still ringing, btw.

In the end, reflection on a past situation always leads to the easy solution of what I should have done. But the truth is, I need to focus on delivering "the plan" much better with my own kids even in those moments of crazy. I need to help us by laying things out just like I do in my classroom so that I can ease the stress for my own children. So for now, I'm giving myself a C- in this category as a Teacher-Dad. Plenty of room to improve, but not the worst!

To play (sports), or not to play (sports)

I listen to ESPN radio in the mornings. I'm a dad. It's something that I simply have to do at this point in life. I can tell you the exact point I started listening too. I was flipping around AM radio back in
the summer of 2006 (shortly after my first was born) looking for anything about the World Cup that was currently being played in Germany. I finally get to ESPN radio, and this jerk, Colin Cowherd, is slamming American soccer saying that the absolute best American athletes play football or basketball and not soccer, so we'll never truly compete in the sport when the best athletes of other countries Do play soccer! I was furious! I'm a soccer player! I was a great athlete, and by the end of the show... I totally agreed with him, and I listen to the guy everyday.. Love the guy! (Excerpt of his show is below)

Colin talking about US beating Spain and his description of soccer players/fans. BTW: I'm 6'1" .. :) Classic! 

Which brings me to the now. This past week, Uncle Colin (as he refers to himself) was explaining why his kids won't play travel or comp sports. His feeling is that the time that would go to playing on a comp team would pull away from family time, and he wants the time with his kids to be spent traveling and experiencing things with them as a family. I totally get that. But I'm going to come at it from a different perspective.

Yup.. that's me! Maybe 13 or 14 years old.

I played travel soccer since maybe the 4th or 5th grade. By the time I was in middle school, the commitment was extreme. Not only time wise, but also financially on my parents. Now, as a kid I was pretty shy, and confidence wasn't a friend. I worked hard, and listened to my coaches, and I became a pretty good soccer player. My team won the state comp tournament several times. We traveled to some of the best tournaments in the country, and by the time I was in high school, my entire team and coach became part of a club in the Chicago area that became one of the best in the country (Sockers F.C.).

And through it all, I was wiped. The intensity that came with being a comp athlete is difficult, and doesn't always bring with it the down time I feel kids should have. At one point in high school, I was playing 5 days a week (practicing three and games two). Throw on that my commitment to my school work, and a desire to fit in with some semblance of a social life and I simply felt exhausted and trapped. The fun of playing my favorite sport was gone, and shortly after my 18th birthday, I walked away.

So, now as a parent, I use the experience I had as the basis for my thoughts on youth sports. First off, my kids aren't playing organized sports before the age of 5. And when they do, it'll be limited. Part of the problem that I see with youth soccer, for example, is that we get kids wrapped up into structured play so early that the creativity and fun is pulled. At the elementary ages, games are to be fun and youthful, and not at a level that brings stress to those involved (including parents). This is the age we have to build the love and enjoyment of the game.

Second, my kids will play comp sports (or sports in general) when THEY want to, not because I want them to. This is not a slam against my own parents. They knew I was a good athlete, so they wanted me to compete at a level they knew was best. But, the decision wasn't alway mine. I will forever thank them for the opportunities they provided, because I'm a better person from them. But when I see 6 year olds in full pads on the football field I have to wonder if that is the kid wanting that or the parent? For me, I don't see a need for comp sports before middle school. I'm all for a fun Rec. experience for these kiddos, but when the target becomes WIN at ALL costs for an 8 year old, maybe the wrong message is being sent?

And third, I'll be all for the comp experience when my kids show they're ready personality wise. Those that thrive in the comp atmosphere do so because of the attitude that they bring each day. The love of the game drives them to a determination to succeed that makes every training and game not work, but life. When they show a love for it that goes beyond just hanging out with buddies, but to a desire to create an opportunity for themselves in college and beyond then I'm in. And I'll go to the corners of the world to make it happen. But as soon as it become a chore for us all to "make" the kid even go to practice, then it's time to scale back and rethink the commitment.

In the end, I truly hope that one of my four kids builds a love and passion for a sport that draws them in to wanting a comp experience. I, to this day, love soccer. I dream about getting back on the field. About heading a corner into the back of the net again. It was a huge, defining part of my life, but it became something that drained me to the core and in a way left me broken. So, while I'd love to have a kiddo play, I will never push it on them. I want their childhood to be about them, and their dreams. And if that means sports doesn't become a part of it, then I'm ok with it. And that's that.

Seriously? Because of testing?

My wife and I are reality TV watchers. We don't watch them all (it's hard watching anything at all with 4 kids, a business, and teaching), but we do have our favorites. There is something about vegging out to the silly drama in the lives of others that helps us transition to sleep time.

One of our favorites right now is Master Chef. It's a cooking competition on FOX that is another in the TV empire of Chef Ramsey. I personally love the guy! Would love to meet him and talk soccer, cooking, and family. (So if you know him.. let me know!)

The focus of the show is to pit 20 "home cooks" against each other to win the title of Master Chef. They cooks compete in different individual and team challenges and in each episode one chef is asked to turn in his/her apron. It's awesome seeing the wonderful creations that these self-taught cooks can pull together in a timed challenge.

In the most recent episode that my wife and I watched, the show started with what is called a "Mystery Box Challenge." The aspiring chefs have to cook with whatever ingredients are in the box coming up
with their own unique creations. The best dish gets an advantage in the elimination challenge, so it's a big deal!

But for this challenge, there is one huge box at the front of the room. When the box is lifted family members of the cooks are revealed (to be used as inspiration to cook something new... not to be cooked!). However there was one contestant that didn't have a family member there at all. The hardest part, is that it was the contestant that is a single mother, and her love for her son has been her motivation through out the season. Naturally, everyone is thrilled to see their loved ones, and the camera pans to her crying in the back wishing her son was there.

I'm sure my wife and I weren't alone in immediately wondering where her son was, and if something had happened. So, when Ramsey walks an iPad back to show her a video message from her son, we were ready to figure out what was going on. You can only imagine my surprise when the reason he couldn't come be there for his mom was because of state testing! And when Ramsey leaned over and said, "That's important," I nearly lost it!

Seriously? As a teacher, and a parent I'd rather see my child after two months than not! Especially when the reason is that he has to take a state standardized test! Really? There isn't a plan in place to do a make up test? Or maybe in Philadelphia missing the "test" comes with heavy fines or something? But to me, it just seems ridiculous that a child miss any opportunity to see a parent after a long period of time when the reason is because of state testing. Where is the cut off here? What if it was a chance to see his mom who had been deployed in the military? Or if she had been in the ICU out of state and there was an opportunity to see her that happened to fall on a state testing day? Does the kid miss seeing a parent in all of those situations? I just don't get this line of thought.

I teach in a school that is more than 60% military. I've learned that I'll get the most out of my students if I show understanding and support when they miss something school related in order to spend time with a parent that hasn't been home for a long period of time (weeks, months, or years!). I get the most out of the parents as well.

I think the producers needed to push a little harder on this one, and not have so easily allowed state-testing to be a good reason to not bring the kid to Cali to see his mom. It's not. It's just a test. That's right, I said it! It's JUST a test! And I think this little example proves how stupid-crazy we've become over the concept of testing. It's just silly!

And the worst part is this kid is going to grow up and a part of his memory of this entire thing will be missing this opportunity because of testing!! It's just another example of something school related leaving a bad impression on a student! A test that matters not one bit to his possible future success in life prevented him from an awesome memory with his mom.

Life is about the memories you create with your loved ones, and this was a lost opportunity blamed on state-standarized tests. Not cool!.. ok.. my rant is over. Thanks! :)

Talkin' Shop

I had the opportunity to meet and talk with another teacher-dad the other day. He's a 5th grade teacher, and from what I can tell, a pretty damn good one! Whenever I get to talk to other teacher-dads (happens rarely!) I like to get a sense of what inspired them to teach, and how they feel about being a teacher. I knew immediately that his perspective on education was similar to my own.

One of the things I asked him about was whether he felt respected as a male teacher. He said that he hadn't thought about it, but that he had just received a teaching award (super jealous) that helped him realize that he truly did feel as though the community of students and parents at the school appreciate and respect him. That feeling of appreciation from them was all that mattered to him each day. 

Our conversation shifted at that point to acknowledge that we both agreed that we ultimately work for the students and their parents and NOT the principal. All to often, I'm seeing teachers working for the principal, the superintendent, or even the curriculum while forgetting the true purpose of the job is to teach and work for the kids. He made a great point that the role of a good admin is to support the teachers in doing this by not getting in the way of instruction. They need to simply be there to encourage teacher creativity, and promote student safety. I feel that a main contributing factor to the "decline" of  education is the fact that our perspective on who we work for is lost. At the end of each day, week, quarter, semester, and year we need to leave the school knowing we did what was best in the interest of the students and their parents. Instead, we have a strong percentage of teachers more worried about test results and pleasing the district, so our students are suffering. 

At this point, I realized that I didn't want to spend our ENTIRE conversation talking about admins, so I shifted our talk to a less serious topic: being a teacher-dad. :) I asked him how he managed his life as a teacher and a dad. The main point he made was about patience. He admitted that the hardest part about being a teacher-dad for him was the limited amount of patience he had for his own kids after spending an entire day teaching. We traded stories about coming home from a day of teaching and being set off by the smallest of things that our own kids do. Our expectations of our own kids become so much greater than those we have on our students. It becomes unfair for them when you then combined those high expectations with depleted patience, and we are suddenly flying off the handle over spilled milk! And our kids look at us as if we are seriously insane.. which in the moment we totally are! It was so reassuring for me to connect to another person on this level. To know that the frustrations that I have as a tired teacher-dad were shared by someone else. We didn't get into solutions or ways that we could help each other in those moments where our patience levels are gone, but it was healing just being able to share all this with someone similar to me.

As a consumed teacher-dad I find that my world is so heavily centered on teaching and parenting that I forget that there are others out there like me. This small conversation was truly a grounding time for me, and I really needed it! I'm hoping to catch up with him again soon. Probably the at the next district teacher development... which is just weeks away at this point... yeah.... blah... Can't wait to blog that later. 

Living On Through Our Family

My wife's last living grandfather passed away last Monday morning. He had been struggling with health, but at 85 years old he took each day grateful for all that he had. He was an amazing man, a true Alaskan Pioneer. He worked hard, but did so each day for the love of his family. I met him for the first time days before I married my wife. I felt as though I was instant family to him, and to be a part of this family (Fairbanks Royalty I call them) is quite amazing. Each time I saw him while around town, there was never a question of whether I would get a "hello," but whether I would be able to withstand the strength with which he hugged those he cared about. And he cared tremendously about my wife and our family.

Losing someone you care about is terribly difficult. And I will admit that I wasn't the closest person to Grandpa C. I'm not a blood relative. I'm just a lucky guy that hit the marriage lottery. That said, the hardest part of loosing her grandfather is feeling the pain his passing has created inside all of those that I am closely tied to. My wife, of course, but also my sister-in-laws, and most directly, my father-in-law. My admiration toward my wife's father is... well let's just say that I feel privileged to call him dad. He is amazing, and is someone that I look up to at level of my father. So, seeing him hurt at the loss of his father and knowing how much I care for both him and my own dad makes the passing of Grandpa C even that much harder.

But through all of the pain that the family is going through, I'm learning so much about coping with sorrow by seeing this wonderful crew come together to hold onto what Grandpa C created, family. And at the center of the healing has been the great grandkids of the patriarch. My kids have been a part of the ray of happiness that has provided the break in the grief that my father-in-law, his siblings, and all of their kids have been feeling. They have been able to provide the smile through the tears.  Each one of the little kiddos running around is here because of what this one man created with his life. And now these little ones are helping to provide the sense of continued history for this great man, and to be here to help warm our hearts during this difficult time.

I don't know what your personal belief system is, and I'm not here to preach anything to you. I can't say that I'm a "religious" person. I am spiritual, and I have a deep faith in the beauty of life. That said, what I have come to believe about life and death has been learned through the lives of my own children and their great-grandparents. It has so impressed me to watch the interactions between people separated in life by some many years. They live through each other creating a bond that is truly overwhelming. Each hug is cherished. Each laugh a moment trapped in time. They've taught me to live for my family and the moments we have together. To never be afraid to hug as tight as you can, so the person can feel how deeply your care for them. To not wait for a phone call. To go to everything and to cheer loudly for everyone. And, most importantly, to celebrate each and every life we touch.

Since my oldest was born 7.5 years ago, he's lost 3 great grandparents. Three people that loved him to a level that only great grandparents could understand. And while you might think that this has been hard to deal with on the parenting side, I can say that his strength and faith in life has only made my wife and I stronger. The way all my kids have embraced living, and celebrating life is so remarkable. They keep everyone they care about so tightly in their hearts that each day is one to celebrate. The memories, the spirits, and the emotions they had with each of the "greats" continues to stay with them. I've witnessed my oldest have conversations with his "greats" after they have passed. I've seen how the new additions into our home seem hand picked by a recently lost loved one. I've witnessed so many miracles in my children that my belief system is ever changed. It doesn't make loosing someone so wonderful any easier. We all miss Grandpa C so much, and as the entire family prepares to go back to the new normal after this week of being together I can only cherish the fact that my four children had the honor to feel his love through so many kisses and hugs. He will always live forever in each of them. We love you Grandpa C. Thank you for helping to create such a wonderful and loving family, and we know that in this new adventure you are on each day you continue to pray and light candles for us all.

Daddy Dragon!!

I love being a dad. There is truly nothing more that I wanted to do than be a father when I grew up. So, when I'm home, I do all that I can to be around for my little ones. The down side is that the honey-do list tends to get put aside while I manage a house with 4 kids running around. This has been especially true during the summers. You know, during my "time-off" of teaching. My glorious wife (no she didn't have me write that) owns and operates her own business to continue the stream of income during my non-teaching times. And because she works from home, I do all I can to keep house and manage a daddy day-care. As I'm sure many wonderful housewives will tell you, "It's not easy." Throw on top the normal husbandry house hold chores, and I'm running crazy managing the daily stress created by all that needs to get done!

This past Saturday was a fine example of this. My kids like to get up talking, and being defiant toward anything that I suggest. They'll talk about anything. My oldest loves talking about his robot army that will protect the world, and any other invention he has come us with. My twins like to break all routine that I've tried to keep in place from when mommy was Queen Bee while I was at school. And my lovely daughter, well.. she's a 5 yo typical Alaskan toughie! It was a typical morning sprinkled with the stress of family coming into town, so there was a lot of work needing to be done around the house. That, and my wife was trying to wrap up work for some clients, so she can focus on the family as well. All that, and this was the way the day started:

Me: Alright, before you can have breakfast, you need to use the potty.
A (2 yo): NO!
Me: Please be quiet, mommy is sleeping
A: Mommy see-ping. Okay. No potty!
M (5 yo): Where's PK? Is he up? Can we watch TV?
A: NO!
PK (7yo): Dad will you make me eggs? And I was thinking that when I build my army of robots...
Me: A, you have to go potty. And M & PK will you please go down stairs?
M: PK let's play dragons in my room!!
PK: Sure! Dad will you be the daddy dragon?
ME: Where's OE? A, please get on the potty! Eggs? Sure.. Dragon? Maybe.. I'm just.. wait not in M's room. Remember, mama is still sleeping. Please go downstairs.
M: Yeah! Daddy Dragon will meet us in my room! And OE has your computer! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: Don't yell at OE.. AND PLEASE BE QUIET!
PK: Daddy Dragon, are you coming downstairs?

Now this conversation continued all through potty time and into breakfast. It was un-nerving to hear a constant chorus of "DADDY-DRAGON, Are you...!!"combined with a loud screaming from a hurt child! Then add in the stress of laundry, house cleaning, yard work, and family arriving soon, and my morning was quickly tailspinning out of control! I hadn't even had a sip of coffee yet!

Needless to say, I pretty much turned into a Daddy Dragon. If I could have blown fire, I'm not sure we'd have a house anymore. I'm not proud of it. And it took most of the day to get things back on track with me and the kids, and yes, mama had to get involved to simmer the tensions down. It wasn't pretty, and I felt terrible that I let the stressors of living in a family of 6 get to me.

So to better prepare for my days, I've been trying get up before everyone, and have me time. I'm in a better mood. I can focus on what I want to tackle that day, and I can meet the energy of the kids head on. And while I can still be a daddy-dragon at times, I know that getting myself on a routine that starts with me is important. I know that this "daddy" time is necessary, just like "mommy" time is necessary for all of the mommies out there. It's a hard job managing the house, kids, and everything else. Especially, when you have two or more bouncing in different directions! But, when I get those breaks to the day, the breaks my own wife talks about trying to get while I'm teaching all day during the school year, I'm a much nicer daddy-dragon. And I like being that type of daddy-dragon.. now if I can add more hours to the day to get some of these projects done I would be amazing!

So it begins...

The first post on the blog. Wow. Where do I go with this? Take a serious approach and talk right away about how male teachers don't get any respect!? Or pull a twist and say something like "male teachers get the exact respect we deserve!" That'd be too much. Too hard hitting and I could scare some people away!

Maybe I could do something about being a dad! Take the time to tell a story about my four kids? Go super personal on it! Like how I've been interrupted multiple times to deal with things like wiping a kid's butt, but you don't want to hear about that right now. And frankly, I don't want to recount that experience. Just gross.. just gross. Seriously, buy the strong TP. Not worth saving a few bucks for the cheap stuff!

Oh.. I could take the humorous side of things and talk about a funny classroom time! Like the time I was handing out a big test to my 7th grade Algebra kiddos, and I asked a boy if he needed to borrow a calculator. He responded with this "no, I'm just going to three way with these two." And he pointed to the girls next to him! I had to leave the room and let my student teacher monitor for a few minutes. I just wasn't prepared for that! But, no. That's not the right opening either. 

It's tough. There's so much to talk about. SO much that a Teacher-Dad has to deal with and say. I guess that IS the point of the first post. To show you that this blog is going to cover a variety of things. One post could be hitting some hard ED reform topics and the next could be something as silly as poop or bad innuendoes. We're going to bring it all to entertain and enlighten you about being a Teacher-Dad! It's hard work, but damn it's rewarding!